Satire From the Bible Belt

Dear Jesus,

It's been awhile since I started walking with You. Of course, I've heard about You all my life. I remember all the stories I heard about You as I grew up in Sunday School. You seemed like such a loving person. And I was so sad to hear You suffered...but at least the stories were tidy. The flannal-graph didn't bleed. The bad ladies you hung out with at times seemed tame. The tax collectors? Well, they seemed to be okay folk. I just couldn't understand why those religious leaders were angry at You. You seemed so sweet and kind.

I'm a little older now, and, if You'll be patient with me, I'd like to offer some more mature thoughts that trouble me.

First, I'd like to talk with You about your death. Mmm, couldn't You have figured out something a little less gruesome? I mean, no offense, but I've heard a little more of the truth about Roman crucifixion, now that I'm an adult. It was horrible and shameful. Don't You think You could have cleaned it up a little? Couldn't You have been a little more acceptable in the form of death You chose? I mean, You could have accomplished the same thing with other forms of death couldn't You?

Jesus, it bugs me that You've got all that blood on You. Could You at least wipe a little of it off?It's repulsive to hear Your flesh rip and see the flicks of flesh spatter at the whipping post. And couldn't You have picked a more modest way to die? I mean...You're naked and all. You created the universe...couldn't You have at least kept on a loincloth? It's flat shameful, Jesus...shameful to my sensibilities! How in the world am I supposed to describe to tender, Christian ears the horror of Your crucifixion? I guess I'll just have to soften it up! You and I both know that they really don't want to hear the truth.

Another thing: Your Methods,

So what about this making wine for people that had already been drinking for a few days? How in the world am I supposed to explain that one, Hmmm?

Or, how about that woman who's obviously a little off her rocker...I mean, look at her groveling on the floor. It's disgusting seeing the snot coming out of her nose as she shakes weeping violently. Look at Your feet! They're all wet with this woman's silly tears. It's a little embarrassing! We are in public, You know! We're at a religious leader's house. He's dressed nicely. Nice people are here...respectable people! Man, You sure are a nuisance with what You allow!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The Temple. Mmm...what were You thinking? Forgive me, but are You a little touched in the head? You came running like an insane man, screaming at the top of Your lungs about their making the Temple a den of thieves! Come on! Lighten up a bit! People do pray in there! It's not like people just sell stuff. I mean, do You really think You're going to change everything? The Pharisees do have it together! Leave them alone!

Oops. I've rambled. I hope You don't take offense. It's just that here in the Midwest, in the 21st Century...it's obvious that You need to just be tamed down a bit.