From the Threat of Depression to Joy

Bi-polar, manic-depressive, paranoid-schizophrenic

That's what "they" labeled my dad. I grew up with the realities of pain associated with a loved one plagued by this ailment. Of course, in this case, it was the guy whom I longed to know - the one I wanted to be like, well, at least when I was a boy. Things changed.

I remember as a young adult facing the fears that perhaps I would become like my dad. Maybe I would become depressed and twist off? Perhaps my life would follow his course? Certainly there were voices out there more informed than me that offered the opinion that if my genetics were so inclined, then, yes, there may be an inevitability toward depression and other associated issues. Was I genetically wired for depression?

There was NO way I was sitting down and letting someone bind my spirit with the shackles of assumed inevitability. Regardless of whether or not I was predisposed to some of the illness described above (and, I didn't know if I was), was it inevitable that it had to happen?

Then the spirals!

In about 1992 when I was a student at Clearwater Christian College I began to experience what I like to call the spiral. It would begin with my feelings of discouragement and mild depression. Then I would recognize that I was feeling a bit depressed. This would freak me out. I would then fight to not be depressed further. The fact that I was in this fight would discourage me further which would lend toward greater depressive feelings. I would spiral into a feeling of gray - of darkness. Was there no hope? Was this inevitable after all?

I spoke with my godly psychology professor and explained my family history and what I was experiencing. I asked him about the gene issue and the inevitability of my being like my dad. God used this dear man to set me free.

I was told that regardless of genetic predispositions the Scripture tells us that our minds can be free in Christ. The prof gave me a variety of Scriptures to consider. Isaiah 26:3-4 was one passage as was 2 Timothy 1:7. The latter passage tells us that the spirit of timidity and fear is not one originating from God; rather, power, love, and self-discipline (or, soundness of mind) is what God gives us. These and other Scriptures God used to change my life. I had a choice to make: Was I going to lay down and accept perceived inevitability, or, was I going to receive the freedom of mind and soul that God offered?

The battlefield many times has smoke and blood. Fights are usually hard-won with real grit. God had the "grit" and the power. After all, He had revealed His will in His Word. I remember clearly the day that soon followed my meeting with the professor. I was walking across campus when the spiral began. This time I was prepared. I pulled out my weapon and fired back. The weapon was a little scrap piece of paper scribbled with Scripture. I viewed the fight as one against the enemy of our souls. The Accuser was coming to me trying to make me believe in the inevitability of my predispositions. I was going to be depressed. There was no way to control this. It's just the way it is!

NO! I spoke out of the passion and fear of my heart, "NO!" Then I told Satan to get away from me for the Scripture says that God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind! I went on to tell him that furthermore, God has promised to keep me in perfect peace when my mind is focused on Him because I trust in Him. There were other Scriptures on that paper as well (Philippians 4:4-8).

All of a sudden it felt as if the darkness lifted out of my heart. My mind was clear and I was full of joy! What relief!

Until a few minutes later, that is, when the spiral started again. I had a choice to make. I pulled out the Scriptures again and said, "NO! Satan, you are a liar! God said differently than what you are now saying to me. I believe God." Then I quoted the Scriptures in faith again.

God set me free. Really free.

I remember some milestones along the way from the journey 20 years ago till today. There was the milestone of realizing in my mid-30's that I had made it past the time when my dad had his breakdown and began to lose it all. There was the milestone of realizing my life was on a good track with marriage and ministry (and now parenting) - all things that crashed for my dad. I do not condemn my dad (or anyone else who suffers from the above plagues). Far from it! I am simply a grateful son who has been set free.

Thank you, Father, for Your divine grace.